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Fantasy 7 - The Spin-offs
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Fantasy 7 - The Spin-offs
Part II: The Spin-offs vs. Predator
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Fantasy 7 : Kris Crosis
After a disaster of a music video game on the Sega CD, it appeared as though no one would ever buy another Kriss Kross video game. But in 2005, seeing the market value of a remake, but without the finances or the brain power to back it up, Kriss Kross approached SquareEnix to develop a sequel. After tough negotiations consisting mostly of snickering, Square agreed to create the game on the grounds that, and I quote, "As long as it says Final Fantasy on it, someone will buy it." The code was finished in a weekend and uses pieces from the original Sega CD version as well as the Final Fantasy Seven engine and story. Battles were replaced with a semi-puzzle game where you match completely unrelated video clips to music that you normally wouldn't be caught dead listening to. The end product of the battles will usually look like six different families tried to record their home movies on the same tape, but were only able to agree that "I missed the bus" was a good idea for the soundtrack.
Final Fantasy 7 : Love Crisis
Finally admitting that the only thing that most Final
Fantasy Fans want to see is Aeris and Tifa naked, Square releases a spin-off of
Final Fantasy 7 that pits the girls against each other in a variety of games
including Mud Wresting, Wet T-Shirt Contests, and so much more. Unlockables will
include characters from other games in the Final Fantasy series such as Rinoa,
Yuna, and Quistis. The game will sell 3.5 million copies in America, but no one
will admit to buying it.
Smuggled through the underground by Oblivion and his secret
force of highly-trained ninja rabbits.
Final Fantasy 7 : Marlboro Core
Due to the restrictions placed on cigarette companies in the advertising arena, Marlboro will form a deal with Square Enix to produce a game starring the Marlboro Man. The Marlboro Man character will be a "Wild West" gunslinger and will fight alongside Sephiroth to spread a "thick rich taste" across the land. Joe Camel will a make an appearance as a mount replacing the Chocobos. Also, Materia will be substituted in favor of a new power up system which will include different types of cigarettes ranging from the "Light No-Tar" up to "Silky Smooth Red Box". The game will retail for 49.99, but after taxes will cost around 80.
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Fantasy 7 : Newbie Core
After most of their fans were incarcerated for owning FF7: FC, Square will attempt to broaden their fan base by making a Final Fantasy 7 spin-off that is so easy that Grandma could play it. FF:NC will come with a 1-800 number and a free cell phone on the outside of the box in the event that the user cannot open the case. Once the game is opened, a small robot will come out to put the game into the system, set up the system if necessary, insert memory cards, and plug in the controller. The game will then play the intro, and begin playing by itself. In-game, all attacks will be replaced with Omnislash and Knights of the Round, and all health will default to 9999. Once the game is completed the included robot will go to EB, trade in the game and Western Union the money to you.
Smuggled through the underground by Oblivion and his now
not-so-secret force of highly-trained ninja rabbits.
Final Fantasy 7 : Other Characters
Seeing the success of the other spin-offs of Final Fantasy 7, Square will
release a set of alternate versions of the game that will feature unused
characters. Most notably, the original character playing Cloud was called Clod
and wielded a gun that fired rounds of Vienna sausages. Cait Sith replaced
Cowman at the last second due to their inability to figure out what limit breaks
a cow was supposed to have. Anyone who hasn't been missing their meds will see
that either choice was doomed. In the original scripts, Barrett was played by
Mr. T, but was removed when Square refused to put 50 pounds of gold chains on
the character. Vincent was originally a full blown clown, but today only the
shoes remain from those original designs.
Final Fantasy 7 : Politically Correct
With impending lawsuits by various organizations that wish to make the English language as complicated as possible, SquareEnix will release a revised version of Final Fantasy 7 that replaces key words that might be considered racist, ageist, sexist, etc with euphemisms. A sample list of replaced words is as follows:
Room: Living quarters
Black: African American
A**hole: Mad Person
Whip: Discipline
A**: Donkey
Unfortunately, due to translation issues between the Japanese and English
versions of the game the dialogue will render it completely unplayable. Here is
an example of a conversation from a scene where Tifa is trying to get Cloud to
paint a room:
Original Version: "Tell that a**hole that if he doesn't paint that room
black by the time I get back I'll whip his a**!"
Politically Correct Version: "Say to that mad person that if he
doesn't paint those living quarters with the African American, I'll discipline
his donkey."
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Fantasy 7 : Quarter Cost
Following the events of Advent Children, Cloud is forced to find a real job. Since "guy to swing sword around" is not a job trait that is useful in today's job market Cloud takes out a low-interest small business loan and opens a used motorcycle lot. Using a good/evil system similar to Knights of the Old Republic, Cloud must build his used vehicle empire while trying not to screw his customers out of too much money. Become good buy selling only solid bikes at reasonable prices. Become evil by selling lemons at exorbitant prices. Do YOU have what it takes to help Cloud become salesperson of the month?
Final Fantasy 7 : Rectal Conquest
You start off in a prison, where you... never mind. Its about fluffy bunnies and their search for Happyfun Mountain.