Final
Fantasy 7 - The Spin-offs
Final
Fantasy 7 - The Spin-offs
Part I: Spin-offs The Movie
If you've been alive lately, or dead and reading gaming sites, you have probably heard about an interesting trend in the Final Fantasy Seven spin-offs. FF7 now has 4 spin-offs either planned or released, and they fall in order alphabetically. For those of you who have not had the pleasure of finding this out for yourselves, here is a breakdown:
FF7: AC - Advent Children
FF7: BC - Before Crisis
FF7: CC - Crisis Core
FF7: DC - Dirge of Cerberus
Thus, the questions remain. What does it mean? Are there more
planned? Will there be a Hot Coffee mod for any of them? For this, there are no
easy answers, but, thanks to my crack squad of investigators, and a
little reworking by me, the Lieutenant of Awesome, we've broken the code and now
bring you the list of all of the 26 spin-offs for Final Fantasy 7. Due to
restrictions of space I will only release a few every couple of days when the
nice men let me out of my room (read: when I get around to it).
Final Fantasy 7 : Error Code
In an attempt to save money for upcoming FF titles, Square
out sources its development to Microsoft. Microsoft completes the game in 10
years and 5 million over budget. The game will not feature any of the characters
or locations from FF7, but will instead have a slick interface for reporting
crashes and bugs. Due to a scripting error FF7:EC is completely unplayable past
the main menu, but MS swiftly releases a patch in a little under 16 months to
fix the issue. The patch also allows error reports to be displayed in a new "Hot
Red" color as well as the traditional blue. Unfortunately it is discovered that
the fix introduces a new bug that causes the game to freeze any time an
exclamation mark appears in the dialogue. The more hardcore fans will discover
that they can get about 17 minutes of play out of the game if they don't do
anything "too exciting".
Final Fantasy 7 : From Columbia
This version of FF7 will actually be Dance Dance
Revolution MAX with Final Fantasy Seven written on the CD with a Sharpie. But
since the game ships packed in cocaine, by the time the player reaches the CD
they won't care.
Final Fantasy 7 : Google Crap
Google Inc's developers, in a desperate bid to prove that they can do more than write web search programs, will release a spin-off of FF7. The new version will be nearly identical to the original except that every time you use a potion, walk around, talk to someone, enter a battle, win a battle, lose a battle, save, load, or hit the triangle button, you will be pelted with "Ads by Google". Most people will still consider this version superior to the other spin-offs, but will be unable to describe why.
Final Fantasy 7 : Hells Chicken
This spin-off of FF7 will be sponsored by Tabasco and feature Cloud wielding a large bottle of hot sauce. All of the enemies will be replaced with different food items that are deemed hot sauce appropriate. Here is a partial list of the changes:
Dragon Zombie: Spaghetti
Parasite: Buffalo Wings
Goblin: Falafel
Ultimate Weapon: Box of Original Recipe
Final Fantasy 7 : Indian Camel
Released as yet another service pack to FF7:EC, Indian Camel will give users the option of replacing the games Chocobos with Camels (two-hump not included). The American version, much to the relief of players, will not include the "Indian" portion of the riding scenes. Cloud will instead be holding a bright red lollipop.
The information on this version was smuggled through the
underground by secret agent Odin75789
Final Fantasy 7 : Jesus Crisis
In another, soon to be classic attempt to make God "cool" several churches will ban together to rework FF7 to include more religious themes. Cloud will be removed and replaced with Moses as he tries to free his people from Sephiroth's control. "Plagues" replace the basic Limit Break system, and instead of a sword, Moses wields a burning bush. The Sphere-Grid scheme will make a comeback when it is found that leveling up can be made more religious as players will inexorably groan "Jesus Christ, not this thing again."