World
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News Later
The Terrorists Have Won
In case you didn't know by now, the terrorists have kicked
our collective Coalition asses. And while I'm always right and for the most part
not accountable to anyone, I'm sure that there are those of you out there that
can't believe me at my word. You need "facts" and "information" to make a
decision rather than just
agreeing with the butthole that shouts the loudest and
then switching over to Deal or No Deal.
For those of you who fit in the latter category I'm going to
make you a deal. You read this post and I'll show you a fool-proof way of
stopping those crazy fun-loving terrorists from crashing our huge planes into
buildings. Deal? Deal.
So if you're not sure I'm correct (You Commie), I've gathered
some research to prove my already-true point: The terrorists have flippin' won.
First Study Sample: Beatrice
Beatrice is a lady that I work with that is unbelievably
huge. She embodies the two extremes of hugeness.
The pity: "Oh, that poor thing, she she can barely sit in her chair."
(Usually said while convulsing with laughter)
The envy: "I wish I could get that fat and not give a shit."
The
Case:
Prior to 9/11 Bea ate at least 4-6 Little Debbie snack cakes
a day. One when she came in, two at lunch, and one after. Sometimes she'd sneak
one more in just before then end of work. My crack research squad misses
nothing.
Now she eats only about 1 a day and a granola bar. Some say
this is because she's trying to lose weight and get better than 12 miles a
gallon out of her Fiesta*, but I know the real reason she's trying to lose
weight. She's preparing for they day that she will be forced to outrun a
crashing commercial airliner.
I know this because every week on the news some terrorist
somewhere is crashing, getting piloting lessons for, attempting to blow up,
hijacking, or boarding a plane. Who cares about your gas mileage when Northwest
Air could drop on your head at any moment?
Second Study Sample: Myself
Remember, if you don't buy things and support the economy,
the terrorists win. If you're not spending your little Capitalist heart out,
then you lose and bearded guys with AK-47s (At least that's how they are in
Rambo movies) totally freakin win.
I hate to admit it guys, but I lost the war
for us.
The
Case:
I am a terrible back to school shopper. I had a couple of
classes that I needed to buy some supplies for. Being the unpatriotic
self-centered jerk that I am, I cannibalized what I could from my last
semester's classes and ended up only needing to buy two things. A folder and a
ballpoint pen two-pack which added up to something like 2.39.
2.39?!?! The Economy majors out there will notice that this
is even less when you consider the taxes that get taken out. Only something like
30 cents of the total actually goes to the government. You can't build a
bomb on that! You can't even buy an entire cartridge of bullets for that. Heck
that's not even enough to buy a folder and a ballpoint pen two-pack. What are we
going to do? Teach them to death?
How to Beat the Terrorists
We seem doomed. Beatrice is so scared of falling airliners
that she's started eating more healthily and I've sentenced us all to certain
death by not buying a day planner. Since Terrorists love to board planes and
slam them into buildings that most Americans are only half aware even existed,
then we need to head this off at the source.
First of all, we need to understand the terrorist mind. This
breaks down into three basic thoughts:
1) Kill everyone who disagrees with me.
2) Women should not wear short-shorts or tanktops.
3) The Alf TV series sucked and therefore the culture that created it
must die.
Now, while I'm pretty sure that to some degree all of us agree with the
third statement, the first and second are ridiculous.
If you kill everyone that disagrees with you then who are you
going to pick on in high school? And of course, who are you going to flame at 3
in the morning on a message board on Gamespot for thinking that Mario is better
than Sonic? I'll tell you, NO ONE.
Number two actually confuses me more than number one. Is
there any straight male out there that does NOT want to see half-clothed women?
I'm not asking if your morals or religion allow it, I'm asking if you want
to see it. Deep down every male will answer yes, more please. We all want
to see it. In fact we'd all be happy if you women wore nothing. And ergo, we
have my solution to the terrorist problem.
Some airfare companies are already taking measures to protect
us, the scared-shitless American. They've been banning obviously dangerous
things like knives, nose-hair trimmers, and deodorant.
But just recently though they've expanded the list to include
things that I didn't even know people brought on board airplanes (Why in the
world would you bring a camcorder on a plane? Like your home videos weren't
boring enough). This list consists of a number of items that even if you gave
all of them to a team of MacGyver, Terminator, and Ninja Steve they'd still
have difficulty killing anything more vicious than a retarded wombat.
My problem with this list doesn't lie in its extreme number
of potentially un-harmful carry-ons as much as it lies in the system not going
far enough. Airlines should ban EVERYTHING including earrings, toasters,
and... wait for it... clothing.
Follow me on this. If terrorists don't like seeing women in
regular clothing (see above research), then they really won't like seeing them
naked, right? So they won't board the plane in the first place. Now, assuming
that a terrorist overcomes his desire to avert his eyes from temptations, and
boards the plane, then where the hell is he going to stick a bomb? All security
would have to look for is the middle-eastern guy walking a bit funny. Blamo!
Captured terrorist. Am I a genius or what?
Before you go and say "Ha. ha. Very funny CJ." and pass it
off as an semi-amusing thought remember that one terrorist tried to blow up a
plane with his shoes. Which if memory serves, is indeed an article of
clothing. You know I'm right. No Clothes = No Bombs bigger than your anus.
I'm going to make you nay-sayers a deal, at the first sign of
a terrorist putting a bomb up his butt and walking onto a plane naked, we'll
revise my plan. Deal? Deal.
*For those of you who don't know what kind of car a Fiesta is:
good. You should keep it that way. They suck.