Arnold Schwarzenegger Kicks Ass

                       and Chuck Norris sucks

    The faster everyone comes to terms with this, the faster we can be on our way to world peace, and wouldn't that be nice?

    But it seems that a false prophet has arisen in the form Chuck Norris, who is, unfortunately, a complete puss. Now I could go on a movie by movie basis and prove why Arnold is better, but let's face it, that'd take quite a bit of time that neither of us have to reach a conclusion that both of us know. Also that'd be so many Arnold movies in one post that your pants would hereafter be in a permanent state of "blown off".

    Let's size up our competitors. The first is an Oklahoma native who had an Cherokee/Irish alcoholic father, while Arnold was born in Austria to a Nazi alcoholic father. Using the playground "My dad could beat up your dad" argument we have an Irish Indian (Here "Irish" and "drunk" are used interchangeably) fighting a drunk Nazi

    While the basis for a short but totally awesome fighting game, my money is on the Nazi Nazis killed several million people while Indians, with the exception of that awesome strategist named Custer, never even had a shot at that number.

Score:
Arnold: 1
Norris: 0

    Now let's compare names. Chuck Ray Norris sounds like a gas station attendant that everyone calls "Ray". Not really manly at all. Hard to take someone seriously when their name is "Chuck".

    However, Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger, not only is hard to pronounce and would work well in an RPG, it DOMINATES the movie screen. Every time Arnold's name appears in a movie's opening credits it's always by itself. That's because there's no room for anyone else's. One name to rule them all.

Score:
Arnold: 2
Norris: -1 (for having two hillbilly names in one)

    Next up is tag lines. Arnold always had cool things to say when he killed someone. Like when he snapped a guy's neck and laid him on a pillow; "He's dead tired". Not Monty Python by any stretch of the imagination, but it didn't need to be. He was always sunshine, jokes and roses even when something horrible just happened. That's a positive message for today's youth.

Example tag line:
Situation: Arnold sticks a knife through a man's chest.
Line: "Stick around."

Situation: Arnold is pulled out of a movie and into real life where everyone can guess what he's going to say.
Line: "Rubber Baby Buggie Bumpers. Bet you didn't know I was gonna say that!"

    Norris hasn't any really cool tag lines, or any tag lines AT ALL really.

Example tag line:
Situation: Norris does something that Arnold could've fixed in half the time with no pesky survivors to take to jail.
Line: "Walker, Texas Ranger"

Score:
Arnold: 3
Norris: -1

    Arnold and Norris have also found themselves in similar circumstances but in every case Arnold handles it far more awesomely than Norris.

Arnold: Fought an alien from another planet armed with only a few grenades and a jungle.
Norris: Fought illegal aliens from another income bracket armed with enough weaponry to make the south surrender.. again.
Winner: Arnold

Norris knows: Several forms of martial arts to kick your a**.
Arnold knows: How to use a grenade launcher to remove your a**--permanently.
Winner: Arnold

Norris knows: That being well dressed is most important.
Arnold knows: That if you can't fit 8 grenades and 200 rounds on it, it aint worth wearing.
Winner: Norris (Haha, yeah right: Arnold)

Final Score:
Arnold: 6
Norris: -520

    As you can now see from this scientific study, not only is Arnold cooler and more manly, he's just plain better. So if Chuck Norris's tears really cure cancer, we need to get Arnold over there to rip his tear ducts out and say: "It'll be alright, don't cry." Always positive, that Arnold.

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